Monday, May 21, 2007

I Wonder How Long It Will Be Before I Feel Grownup

I just spent the weekend with my family, watching my middle sister graduate from college. It's been about 7 months since I last saw them. In those 7 months I've paid the mortgage 7 times, driven myself to work 137 times, hired 8 people and fired 4, haggled with vendors to get prices lowered, disciplined my cat, fought with my husband, flown out of the country and back in again, and bought a new piece of furniture.

So why do I still feel like one of the kids when the fam and I get together? All of my grown-up confidence flies out the window. I defer to my parents, I whine, I bicker with my siblings, I jostle for parental attention, I expect my dad to foot all bills. Then as Darlin' and I drive home, I think about all those grown up things I have been doing at home, all those grown up things for which I am responsible, and the chilly fist of fear closes around my heart. I can't do all these things! I'm just faking this! I don't really know what the heck I'm doing here. This shouldn't be up to me, how could I possibly do it right?

But it is up to me, so I just do it. And in just doing it, I guess I'm acting the way a grown up acts. I'll never forget when my high school sweetheart's mother looked at me and said "I still look 17 in my mind. I'm still the same me, 17 years old just like you, I've been 17 for 25 years now." Well, I've been 17 for 11 years. And most days, I just keep faking it, making the decisions because somebody's got to, doing the job because I have to if I want to pay the mortgage, paying the mortgage because I signed the papers saying that I would.

I just hope nobody figures out that I'm still just a kid. I would hate for them to take it all back, forcing me to go back home and live with my parents. Whoops, maybe I am a grown up after all!

Peace and Love to the Kids and Kids-at-Heart - G Love


Wicked M said...

I think we all feel this way. Like "adults" faking our way through the day and hoping that no one will find us out. I'm interested to see what the other WonderWomen have to say as we are all in very different times in our lives.

Anonymous said...

I weren't cast in PETER PAN for nuthin' ...