I Wonder What the Recipe for Gaining 7 Pounds in a Week is?

My husband was traveling for work a week ago and after he returned, I realized a few things. One giant thing was that my pants didn't fit so well anymore. The other thing was that I discovered I had magically gained seven pounds during the week. Seven. The number that appeared on the scale while in The Sharper Image was so mortifying that I quickly jumped off so that no one would see it and have a heart attack. I put on a skirt a few days later that is one of the biggest sizes in my closet and it was tight. I was disgusted. So disgusted, in fact, that when we went out for dinner last night after our weekly golf lesson, I was forced to order a salad. In a restaurant where you never order a salad. You order full of fat things that are so yummy your tongue thanks you the minute the tastiness hits its buds. -sigh- So, I was forced to take stock of what had caused this unwelcome weight gain. I think I've finally cracked the code:

1. Turn 30 and have metabolism immediately slow down.
2. Take one husband and send him to work in a distant land for 5 1/2 days.
3. Add one lonely wife in a semi-new place with only a few friends.
4. Fold in wonderful delivery service of Domino's pizza and Papa John's breadsticks and cheesesticks.
5. Mix in thousands of calories of snacks. Baker's choice. Some suggestions: barbecue potato chips, pretzels, Easy Cheese, Triscuits and Cheetos.
6. Blend in a couple of bad days at work.
7. Add five nights of couch potato activity. Again, baker's choice. Some suggestions to help things along: "So You Think You Can Dance", "Rock of Love with Bret Michaels", "The Girls Next Door" re-runs, and "Big Love".
8. Wait for thighs to spread and become jiggly. Fold in a workout plateau. Wait for thighs to double.

And there you have it.