Hello Humans

by guest blogger, Schmitty Cat. Translation by the short human.

Meow mrow mow meow meeeeeow.

I love my humans.

Meow mrrrrow mew meow mowww.

Especially the tall one. He is at the place where I abide for many hours of the day.

. . . translation only from this point out. . .

He speaks to me in human talk very often. He and I spend much time together. I help him with his work. When I see the little buttons that his fingers press when he is working, I can tell that he would like to have them killed. So I use my claws and teeth and pull them up, and give them to him. This is my duty to my humans. When I leave the little button on the floor for them to find, they call my name loudly, and I know that they are pleased.

The humans talk all day. I can tell when they talk to me. Their voices become like singing, very high. Or sometimes their voices are sharp. This is what I like best, when they are sharp at me. To make them talk sharp to me, I can do three things. I can chew on the short human’s long tasty green things. I can put my head or paws through the things that cover the windows. They are stiff and have many long slats, and they make a satisfying noise when I push on them, especially when it is nighttime and the humans have lain down and the place where I abide is quiet. And I can scratch the pillowy big things that are all over the humans’ house. Any time I do this, the humans call my name and clap their hands sharply, and then I know that they are pleased.

The short human talks to me very many times. I do not listen to her words, unless they are “Bella” (the name given to me by my humans), or “treat” (this word means I am about to eat), or “outside” (which is my favorite word of all, because it means I will go into the great wide space full of smells and places to hide, and I will hunt small creatures and give them to my humans, and then I will know that they are pleased).

Sometimes when the humans talk to me, I am trying to sleep, and I choose not to hear them. Sometimes, though, I am awake. Although I have very many other things to do, such as investigating the bucket full of smelly things that the humans keep under the kitchen sink; or hunting the tiny black many-legged creatures that walk through the place where I abide; or hiding myself under the pillows on the place where the humans lie at night; although I have all of these things and more to do, I know that talking back to the humans is what they want most of all. Because they provide me with food to eat, and turn on the thing that pours water when I want to drink, and mostly because I love my humans, sometimes I will stop doing the things I must do and sit in one place and talk with them. This makes their voices sing very high, which I find painful to my ears. So I only do this for a few moments, and then I move close to my humans and step on their feet and chew on their long paws, because I know this will make their voices sharpen, and that will show that they are pleased.

I have seen a moth. I must go. My human makes a sound when I chase moths, I think it is called laughing. This shows she is pleased with my hunting skills. All that I do is to please my humans. That is why I have agreed to share these thoughts with you today. Now that I have pleased my short human, she will lift me up so that I may catch the moth and eat it. All is good and pleasing in the place where I abide. Mrow meow moooww mrow. – X ----- (“Bella”)