These Kids Are Making Me Crazy

I've just cleaned up three rounds of doggie diarrhea, so I'm having a difficult time focusing on weird things I do. I think I've got it, though. **Oh my goodness, the sight of my 3 month old puppy humping his humongous stuffed warthog almost made it fly out of my head. OK, ok it's still there. I'll send the dog to another room so my husband can keep track of him, and then I can focus.**

All right. Husband is unavailable, so we'll just toss Mr. Warthog over by the door and continue. I do a few weird things, **but now that the cat and the dog are fighting over who gets to rip the insulation out of the door frame behind me, I'd better just go ahead and pick one so I can finish this up and then kill some animals, or possibly myself.**

I sleep with one arm flung above my head. Straight up there. Not straight into the air, but straight into the headboard, which means I have to scrunch far enough toward the foot of the bed to make room for it. It's my right arm. Darlin' sleeps to my right, so often we will be nose to armpit. After a few fragrant moments, Darlin' will inevitably wake up, yawn, grasp me 'round the wrist, and shove the arm back where it belongs. I'll roll over, snort grumpily, and sneak it back up. It's hard for me to sleep if I can't have this arm way out in space. **If this fecking dog doesn't stop nipping my feet I swear we will have corgi flambe for dinner tonight.**

In the mornings, when Darlin' takes the Schmup out for a morning trot, Schmitty Cat comes into our bedroom and nestles into my opened pit (while I, yes Wicked M, snooze along to my snooze button at least twice). She likes to curl up in there, unlike my husband, who prefers non-B.O.-related smells like cookies and garlic toast and freshly washed Schmuppy Dog. **Which we get to smell often since he frequently requires baths, like tonight when we pooped and then walked in it and tracked it all over the floor.**

Besides this weird behavior, I also have this crazy habit of adopting freaking animals who drive me crazier. Possibly the arm stretching sleeping thing occurred at the same time as we adopted our cat and I started losing my mind. The world may never know.