I Wonder What That's About?

You’ve seen them. We all have. Those metrosexual men who think that Ross Geller is their god. They have pretty thin hair (not due to future baldness, just thin all around), and they put gel in it—in all of it—and then do that sweep up at the front. And you can see the gelled sections of hair, and the scalp beneath, and every single spiky strand in front. And it doesn’t look natural, and it doesn’t look soft, and it sure as hell doesn’t look clean.

Purposely-mussed hair doesn’t bother me too much. I’m around college kids all day, so I have to get used to that. But listen, boys: it’s not 1998 anymore. L.A. Looks is still in business, but they don’t need yours. No one is going to want to touch hair that looks that crunchy. There’s no way that forehead cowlick is innate; I doubt you put a finger in a light socket just long enough for your hair to start to stand on end.

I’ve considered the reasons someone would do that to his hair. Maybe he lives in a rough part of town but is against carrying a concealed weapon, so he gets his hair nice and stiff so that just in case he’s jumped, he’ll have a knife-like weapon at his disposal. Maybe he didn’t mean to make it look like that—his hair is naturally curly but he hates it so he puts all that gel in to make it straight and then has to run out b/c he’s late from spending all that time putting gel in his hair so he has to rush and the force of walking fast pushes his hair up in the front while the gel dries. Maybe his mom likes it that she can see his face (b/c in high school, he always had those bangs that got in his lovely soulful eyes) and he’s a mama’s boy. Maybe his friends secretly hate him and won’t tell him the truth. But I will.

Guys? Just stop. David Schwimmer has moved on. You should, too.