I WONDER WHAT THE SCARIEST THING WAS?

FIRST, AND FORGIVE ME THIS, OH WONDER WOMEN AND READERS, BUT I MUST WISH MY SON A HAPPY WEEK BIRTHDAY! A WEEK AGO THIS VERY MINUTE, FROG BABY (AS HE WILL NOW BE KNOWN) WAS BEING WEIGHED AND HAVING HIS FOOTPRINTS RECORDED, WHILE MY WONDERFUL MIDWIFE PUT ME BACK TOGETHER AND MY HUSBAND AND SISTER MADE LOTS OF PHONE CALLS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE FROG.

OK. NOW. SCARY STUFF.

AS LONG TIME READERS (AND FANS) ALREADY KNOW, I FLEW TO AUSTRALIA WHEN I WAS TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD, TO FINISH MY COLLEGE DEGREE AS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT, AND THEN SPEND SOME TIME THERE TRAVELING. SINCE I HAD TO PAY FOR THE WHOLE TRIP MYSELF (MY PARENTS WERE VERY ANTI-TRAVEL IN THOSE DAYS!), I HAD TO PURCHASE THE CHEAPEST TICKET I COULD GET. 55 HOURS, AIRPORT TO AIRPORT, AND THAT DIDN'T COUNT THE ONE HOUR OF TRAVEL TO THE AIRPORT ON EITHER END. IT WAS A LOOOOOOOOOONG TRIP.

I HAD LAYOVERS IN LOTS OF PLACES, INCLUDING FLORIDA, I THINK AMSTERDAM MAYBE?, AND TOKYO. THE LONGEST WAS IN MALAYSIA. ACCORDING TO MY TICKET I WOULD BE SPENDING OVER 24 HOURS IN KUALA LUMPUR, THE CAPITAL OF MALAYSIA . . . BUT THE AIRLINE KINDLY PROVIDED ME WITH A HOTEL FOR THE NIGHT AND FOOD VOUCHERS FOR ALL DAY, SO IN THE END I SORT OF GOT A FREE PASS TO SEE ANOTHER CITY. A LITTLE MINI TRIP, IF YOU WILL.

I WOULD ARRIVE IN KUALA LUMPUR AT ABOUT 2 AM, AND A HOTEL SHUTTLE HAD BEEN ARRANGED FOR ALL OF US WHO WERE NOT TERMINATING THERE. WE WERE TO COLLECT OUR BAGGAGE, CHECK IN THROUGH CUSTOMS (A VERY CURSORY CHECK, IF I RECALL CORRECTLY), AND THEN FIND THE SHUTTLE. I HAD THE ABSOLUTE BIGGEST SUITCASE YOU'VE EVER SEEN - PEOPLE WERE CALLING IT A "TRUNK," AND IT WAS COVERED IN THOSE STICKERS THAT SAY "DANGER - HEAVY," AND HAVE A PICTURE OF A STICK FIGURE MAN WHOSE BACK IS BREAKING. IT WASN'T MY ONLY BAG, EITHER, SO ONCE I'D COLLECTED EVERYTHING, I MUST HAVE LOOKED A PITIFUL SIGHT, STRUGGLING DOWN THE CORRIDOR. PITIFUL . . . OR EASY PREY.

AN AIRPORT WORKER APPEARED AND ASKED IF HE COULD ASSIST ME, AND THEN GRABBED MY LARGE BAG FROM ME BEFORE I COULD ANSWER. "WHERE YOU GO?" HE ASKED, "I TAKE YOU, NO PROBLEM." I KNEW I'D HAVE TO TIP HIM, BUT I NEEDED THE HELP, SO I SAID "THE SHUTTLE FOR THE EMERALD PALACE," OR WHATEVER THE NAME OF MY HOTEL WAS. "AHHH," HE SAID, "EMERALD PALACE, I TAKE YOU!" HE GRABBED AN ELECTRIC CART AND PILED ALL OF MY STUFF ON IT, AND THEN OFFERED ME A SEAT. "I REALLY DON'T THINK THE SHUTTLE IS THAT FAR," I SAID, BUT HE INSISTED "NO, NO, NO SHUTTLE, VERY CLOSE, I TAKE YOU."

THIS MAN LED ME ON A TWENTY MINUTE RIDE ALL THROUGH THE AIRPORT, TAKING TURNS HERE AND THERE, JABBERING AT ME THE WHOLE WAY, WHILE I KEPT TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT I THOUGHT I NEEDED A SHUTTLE, WEREN'T THE SHUTTLES THAT WAY?, AND WHERE EXACTLY DO YOU THINK I NEED TO GO BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE WRONG, UM SIR? SIR? EVENTUALLY, WE PULLED UP TO A SET OF DOUBLE DOORS WHICH LED TO THE LOBBY OF A HOTEL ATTACHED TO THE AIRPORT - IT WAS THE KING EMERALD, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. NOT MY HOTEL.

"OH, SORRY SORRY," SAID THE MAN, "YOU NEED SHUTTLE FOR YOU HOTEL. I TAKE YOU SHUTTLE." AND HE DROVE ME BACK TWENTY MINUTES TO WHERE WE'D ORIGINALLY STARTED OUT, AT THE SHUTTLE BAY, WHICH WAS EMPTY BECAUSE OF COURSE MY HOTEL SHUTTLE TOOK OFF 35 MINUTES AGO WHILE I WAS BEING LED ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE. "OH DEAR," SAID THE MAN, "NO SHUTTLE, YOU TAKE TAXI. HERE TAXI MAN!" AND HE WAVED DOWN A TAXI DRIVER. "AHHH," I THOUGHT, "SO THIS IS THE RACKET. HE KNEW ALL ALONG. HE PROBABLY GETS A CUT FROM THIS TAXI DRIVER, FOR TRICKING POOR HELPLESS TRAVELERS OUT OF THEIR FREE SHUTTLE SERVICE." I SIGHED, AND PAID THE MAN A TIP ANYWAY, AND THEN HE AND THE TAXI DRIVER PILED MY STUFF INTO A CAR.

I GOT IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE CAR WITH THIS MAN, AND WE DROVE AWAY. THE AREA AROUND THE KUALA LUMPUR AIRPORT IS NOT VERY BUILT UP. IN FACT, IT WAS COMPLETELY DESERTED, AND DARK, WITH NO ELECTRIC LIGHTS EVEN ON THE HIGHWAY. IT WAS 3 AM. I SNUCK A GLANCE AT MY DRIVER OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE. HE WAS PROBABLY IN HIS MID THIRTIES. UNSHAVEN, WITH RUMPLED CLOTHES, AND BLACKENED TEETH. I THEN CAST MY EYES AROUND THE CAR. HMMMM. NO SIGN OF A METER. OR, LIKE, A TAXI DRIVER I.D. OR ANYTHING TO INDICATE THAT I WAS ACTUALLY IN A TAXI.

AND SUDDENLY, MY THROAT CLOSED UP, AND MY HEART PLUNGED INTO MY STOMACH. WE WERE DRIVING EVER DEEPER INTO THE DARK, THIS STRANGE MAN AND I, AND I REALIZED JUST HOW TOTALLY FOOLISH I HAD BEEN TO ALLOW THESE TWO MEN TO MANIPULATE ME BY GRABBING MY LUGGAGE AND FORCING ME TO FOLLOW. NOW I WAS IN THIS CAR, IN THE UTTER DARKNESS, IN A COUNTRY THAT COULD NOT BE MORE FOREIGN TO ME, AND FOR ALL I KNEW THIS GUY WAS GOING TO PULL OVER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, SHOOT ME, AND STEAL MY MONEY AND THINGS. I WOULD BE A FIVE MINUTE HEADLINE ON THE NEWS - YOUNG AMERICAN TRAVELER MISSING, FEARED DEAD. BODY OF YOUNG AMERICAN TRAVELER FOUND, BOUND AND GAGGED AND DUMPED BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. I WOULD BE A CAUTIONARY TALE.

I CANNOT DESCRIBE TO YOU THE FEAR I FELT DURING THIS WHOLE 45 MINUTE RIDE. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO BUT SIT IN THE FRONT SEAT AND PRAY, PRAY, PRAY THAT I WAS REALLY IN A REAL TAXI, AND THAT MY HOTEL WOULD APPEAR ON THE HORIZON SOON. AND PRAY I DID, SILENTLY, EVERY SECOND RIGHT UP UNTIL I SAW LIGHTS AHEAD, AND THEN A CLUSTER OF BUILDINGS, AND THEN A TALL, BRIGHTLY LIT HOTEL WITH A SIGN THAT SAID "EMERALD PALACE."

MY DRIVER PASSED MY LUGGAGE TO THE BELL HOP AND TOOK HIS FARE, AND I RODE THE ELEVATOR TO MY ROOM, AND ONCE I GOT INSIDE WITH THE DOOR SHUT, I LAY ON THE BED AND CRIED AND CRIED. IT WAS 4AM. AN HOUR LATER, SOME PEOPLE WOULD HAVE A SCREAMING ARGUMENT IN THE HALL, AND A BODY WOULD BE THROWN AGAINST MY DOOR. I COVERED MY FACE WITH MY HANDS AND MURMURED, I JUST WANT TO BE THERE, WHY CAN'T I JUST BE THERE NOW, I JUST WANT TO GET THERE, PLEASE LET ME GET THERE SOON, SOON, SOON, SOON, SOON . . .

I SLEPT ABOUT HALF AN HOUR THAT NIGHT, AND THE NEXT DAY, UNDER THE LIGHT OF THE HOT SUN, KUALA LUMPUR LOOKED SIGNIFICANTLY LESS THREATENING. MY FLIGHT WASN'T UNTIL 10PM OR SO, SO I STORED MY BAGS WITH THE HOTEL AND WAS DIRECTED TO A TAXI TOUR SERVICE. I SPENT THE DAY WITH A YOUNG, KIND EGYPTIAN FAMILY WHO WERE ALSO FLYING TO SYDNEY THAT NIGHT. WE RODE AROUND THE CITY WITH A HILARIOUS TAXI DRIVER WHO SHOWED US LOTS OF AMAZING SIGHTS. I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE PICTURE, BECAUSE I WAS TOO AFRAID TO CARRY MY CAMERA. I DREW PICTURES OF WHAT I SAW INSTEAD.

I SURVIVED THAT, AND MANY OTHER BLUNDERS DURING MY TRAVELS THAT COULD HAVE ENDED MUCH DIFFERENTLY. I'M LUCKY. I'M SMARTER NOW. AND I GUESS, KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW OF THE WORLD, THAT I CAN'T REALLY BLAME MY PARENTS FOR NOT SUPPORTING MY TRIP ACROSS THE WORLD, AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE, WHEN I WAS SO CLEARLY UNSUITED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. BUT I'M ALSO GLAD I DIDN'T LISTEN TO THEM. I TYPED THIS WHOLE ENTRY WITH MY SEVEN DAY OLD SON IN THE CROOK OF MY ARM (AND DON'T THINK THAT WASN'T TRICKY!), AND THE THOUGHT OF HIM IN DANGER OF BEING MURDERED AND DUMPED IN A STRANGE COUNTRY MAKES MY BLOOD RUN COLD. STILL, I HOPE HE'S BRAVE AND DEFIANT ENOUGH TO IGNORE ME IF I TRY TO STOP HIM FROM SEEING THE WORLD. AND I ALSO HOPE HES A LITTLE SMARTER THAN HIS MAMA, OR JUST AS LUCKY.