Outlaw This!

So this is sort of a dreamland outlaw wish, but I am putting it out there nonetheless. I would absolutely, positively outlaw my body (and everyone else's!) from totally redistributing weight without my approval and I would also not allow cellulite to make an appearance on anyone's body. Because seriously? WTF.

In the past I enjoyed a slender body that allowed me to eat whatever I wanted and gain nary an ounce. True, I played sports all through high school and that probably helped keep my metabolism jacked up to cheetah-like levels, but it was fantastic. The sad part was that I did not even appreciate it at the time. Apparently? Cellulite is my punishment for that oversight. I went off to college, stopped playing sports and apparently thought that I would never gain weight. I was, clearly, an idiot. The reality of my weighty (ha!) situation smacked me in the face when I saw a picture of myself on my 24th birthday. Woof. I was puffy and fluffy -- and it was not pretty.

So, I started working out. I tried to eat right. I lost some weight and I found what I thought to be my body's "normal" size. And then I turned 30. Ever since that magical birthday, my body has been in a constant state of rebellion. My thighs have spread like chocolate icing. My cellulite has reached far and wide (ha!) and causes me embarrassment every time I have to wear a bathing suit. I mean, for someone who runs and works out as much as I do, cellulite, weight gain, and redistribution of weight should not be much of an issue. It is very frustrating.

So, I am outlawing all of this right now. No more crazy redistribution of weight overnight and no more cellulite! No more cottage cheese thighs and floppy skin on arms! No more turkey waddle and no more saddlebags. Now let me go enjoy my Cheetos in peace, thankyouverymuch.