Thursday, October 11, 2007

my life with fiji t.

i have been dreading this topic since the ww began. i knew it was coming, but i'm not sure i'm still prepared to talk about it. i guess what makes my situation a little more unique is that both fiji t and my super jas were in my life at the same time. super jas did not follow after fiji t, but rather, their paths crossed with mine at the same time...nearly down to the same 24 hour period. i battled myself when their worlds collided with mine. my heart battled my head and this struggle continued for 4 years. in fact, it continued up until the month before i marreid my sweet super jas.

i'll spare you the 4 year struggle and simply reveal what happened on that final day of battle: my college graduation day (which happened to be 5 weeks before my wedding day). fiji t approached me that day and as i stood in line, prepared to walk into the gymnasium with my fellow classmates, he made me an ultimatum. he told me that i should leave super jas. he asked me to walk away from it all and make a life with him. but, he said, if i said no to him at that very moment, he would walk out of my life and never return. throughout those 4 years, he consistently questioned me as to why i wouldn't leave super jas. the only answer i came up with and the only answer that still rings true is this: because i just knew it wouldn't work with fiji t. i told him that on my graduation day. i told him that i wasn't leaving super jas and he simply walked away. i haven't heard from him since.

i also know that my life with fiji t would be drastically different. when we last spoke, he was working for a law firm and starting the process of attending law school. no doubt, he has since acheived that goal. but unlike the other ww's past boys, fiji t is probably living a very fast life. he's not a down home kind of a guy, so i feel confident that had we married, we would be living in some downtown high rise in a large city. he would be a top attorney (he is one of the smartest people i've ever met) at a law firm and i would work my usual job. we would attend black tie benefits on the weekends and hang out with tons of friends throughout the week. we'd listen to pink floyd all the time and drink dark ale with our dinner.

for vacations, we would escape to the ocean somewhere so that he could surf. or perhaps we'd go camping and hiking for a get away. no bother with vacations though, as we would most likely not be able to squeeze them into our fast paced life together. i'd long to slow down and he'd long to acheive more, to keep racing to the top.

we would NOT have kids, i'm almost certain of that and we'd likely have little contact with family. he didn't have the 'cleaver' family like i did and while i think the circumstances made him wiser, it did distance him a bit from family life. my family is very wholesome and i know he'd be uncomfortable with our relationship; with our phone calls; with our hugs and kisses.

i think about him a lot and super jas knows that. but, super jas also knows that my heart is with him and not with fiji t. i listened to my heart and have settled down with the love of my life. others may question my ultimate decision, but not me. i have a list of reasons why i love the man of my dreams, but the main reason is because it just feels good. he's a wonderful man with wonderful qualities, but most importantly, my heart is happiest when i'm with him. no big fancy reason, just a fact that's plain and simple. i know i'm supposed to be with him and that's all i truly need to know.


MSO Rin said...

Hooray for true, deeply committed love! I think this wonder has become an excercise in realizing how good we've all got it ... and what's better than realizing that?

super j, I know I speak for everyone when I agree that YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE! How crazy it was to have that kind of ultimatum made to you. Hooray for super jas! :)

Wicked M said...

I knew it!!! And Fiji T?! I love it.

You just wouldn't be you if you were with Fiji T. I have no doubt of that. And I really like who you are. I'm so glad that you didn't compromise.

p.s. Superman HATES this topic and will be very happy when this week is over and all of these posts are buried.

glove said...

Yeah. I didn't tell Darlin' about this week's topic. But it was an important one for me to write my thoughts out on - for all of us, it looks like. We all have these ghosts, and sj - I still think about A. C. a lot, too. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

Know what else is nice? That I can read all these posts, knowing the spouses of all you Wonder Women, and really genuinely agree that you (and I) made good choices. I have so many girlfriends who married (or date) the totally WRONG guy, and you just know it, and you support her anyway and keep your mouth shut, but inside you're wretching every time she praises him. But here, reading these posts, I was totally WITH all of you. Yes, we all truly did make really good choices. These really are good men. We really are with the best person for our happiness, health, and future. It's nice to see. Good for us!