I enjoy reading message T-shirts, and one stopped me in my
tracks a few weeks ago. It read something to the effect of “If you’ve got
haters” [front] “you’re doing something right” [back].
That sentiment makes my blood run cold. I cannot handle
thinking someone—anyone—is mad at me or doesn’t like me or is thinking/saying
disparaging things about me. I’m terrified of being disliked. It’s a problem.
Now, I’ve lived through my share of Mean Girls and am sure I’ve
been one a time or two. But even as a seemingly well-adjusted adult, I have a huge
fear of doing or saying something that will result in someone’s thinking less
of me. My pathological need to be liked knows no bounds: even if I strongly
dislike someone … I mean, really don’t
care for a person … I still need that person to think I’m nice and good and
cool and want to talk to me and be friendly to me. I just don't have to do those things back.
The near-ulcers and wrinkles and gray hair I’ve given myself
over this issue are numerous and ongoing. Even when I’m counseled by steadfast
friends (whose love and esteem I should spend more time cultivating and be much
more grateful for and never fear losing [which makes them all the more precious])
to let people go—when I’m reminded that people who don’t care about me or
acknowledge that my feelings are valid or treat me with respect or reject my
bonhomie don’t actually deserve my time/energy—I expend inordinate amounts of
emotion and reason trying to figure
out a way to gain the approval of said haters.
Is it a middle-child thing? Is it a female thing? Is it an
I-was-never-actually-popular-in-high-school thing? These aren’t rhetorical
questions, y’all. I could use some help.
Just don’t hate me for asking!
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