I Wonder What Havoc Wicked M & MSO Rin Are Wreaking on Vegas Right This Second?

You can speculate all you want, but when they return, they’re never telling.

i must confess.

this is a tough topic for me. so much so, that i actually called super jas to see if he had any ideas on what i excessively purchase. i said, "mso buys shoes that are on sale a lot, and wicked m buys tons of cookies. g love buys vegetables like they're going out of style. what do i buy a lot of?" (long pause...) "um. nothing really, i guess. most everything we spend is on groceries and stuff for the girls." i thought for a second and realized that he was absolutely right. unfortunately, we have no discretionary income. none. nada. zip.

occasionally, i'll buy a few fun items that we may not need if they are on sale, of course. as i mentioned in my comment on mso rin's entry, i purchased tons of shorts for little mama that were on sale after christmas. kohl's was practically giving away the shorts and i just couldn't help myself. i purchased a new pair of shoes for myself a few months ago. i splurged and bought aj dora sheets because i knew she would love me forever...and because they were on sale. i do love a good sale, but i wonder why i always fess up to paying less than full price for an item?

for example, the new shoes i bought. they were most definitely on sale as i think i only paid like $6 for them. i wore them the following day and a coworker complimented me on them. rather than simply accepting the compliment and moving on i announced, "thanks! guess how much i paid for them. $6! can you believe that? $6!" i'm not sure why i feel compelled to tell someone about my bargain. i should keep my mouth shut and let them think i'm a millionaire and that i paid far more than what i actually did. but, i can't. and i don't.

i guess i'm proud of my find and want others to know what an awesome bargain shopper i can be - even if the item came from my local goodwill *blush*.

I Wonder Why I Have No Restraint . . .

I am not a health nut – I’m a moderately healthy eater and moderately healthy exerciser and I don’t go to extremes with either – very often. Pregnancy does not count. That said, there is something about a stack of fresh fruits and vegetables that makes my little recipe lovin’ heart kathunk with all the possibilities.

Normally, we shop at Food Lion, which is the cheap and crappy grocery in our neighborhood, but also the least expensive and the closest. Food Lion has awful produce – green onions are more brown than green and chewy as dental floss, oranges are mealy and unsweet, bananas are hard and tiny, squash is softly rotting, and avocados – don’t even try it. On my normal shops, I stick to the basics – apples, a potato, maybe an onion, some carrots. These things even Food Lion can’t totally destroy. Most of my roughage comes canned or frozen (side note – a new fave dessert is frozen cherries, strawberries, and peaches with Cool Whip on top – ladle it out into a bowl before you begin your dinner, and by the time you’re ready for it, it’s just melty and gooey enough that it doesn’t break your teeth).

Sometimes, though, if I need something a little more exotic for a recipe I’ll head to the infinitely fancier Harris Teeter (at Food Lion you can get pickled pig’s feet or pork rinds in abundance, but there are no leeks, veggie burgers, or crab-stuffed tuna steaks in sight.)

Harris Teeter is my dealer, and fresh produce is my drug. They’ve got me pegged, you see. You walk into any Harris Teeter and the first place you’re steered is the produce aisle. I hear the Hallelujah chorus every time I step inside. Jewel bright raspberries and inky dark blueberries are piled provocatively in my line of sight. Peeking up from the aisle behind is the top of the tower o’ citrus – globes of firm, fleshy, vitamin-C packed oranges, grapefruits, tangerines, tangelos, still glowing from the Florida or California sun. I round the corner and stumble onto the avocados – oh dear God, avocadoes that are perfectly ripe – firm, but still squishable, skins green and leathery and perfect as the day they were picked.

I turn my gaze to the wall of cool green veg, which is usually being gently rinsed with a fresh spray of chilled spring water. The mind boggles. Kale. Bok choi. Mustard greens. Swiss chard. Jolly little buckets of Brussels sprouts. Sophisticated stalks of asparagus, caught into a bunch and tied just so with string. Carrots, still with their green tops and rooty pointed ends, piled high in a rustic basket. Buckets of mushrooms – just fill up your paper bag with your favorite type. Shitake? Button? Portabella? Sliced, or whole? There are whole reams of different spicy peppers, four different types of green onion, squash in innumerable permutations of color, size, and shape. All of it fresh, green, bright, just begging for you to take a crunchy bite.

I buy pounds of vegetables every time I go. I can’t just buy one orange, it has to be four. Why settle for a couple of apples when you can have a whole bag? Brussels sprouts are good, yes, but Brussels sprouts, asparagus, and butternut squash is better. It's almost impossible to eat everything I purchase before it will spoil. I know this, I do, but I just can't help myself.

When Darlin' is in town, he makes a valiant effort to plow through whatever I’ve foolishly bought that is closest to spoiling. Now that he’s gone for a while – it’s all me and Jack Jack. What do you say, baby? Steamed asparagus for dinner tonight, with a side of sauteed squash, and some roasted mushroom caps for dessert? Sounds good.

Why Did I Buy Those Cookies?

I received a dreaded e-mail last week from a friend of mine. Her niece is a Girl Scout and it is cookie selling time! Would I like to buy any? I would be lying if I told you that it took me more than five seconds to respond. Of course I want Girl Scout Cookies!

As far as I am concerned, Girl Scout Cookie Time is like Christmas Part II. When those little boxes of Heaven arrive, I am joyful. I tear into those boxes as if they contain diamonds or winning lottery tickets. The minute the cookie goodness hits my lips, I am a happy, happy girl.

I think it must also be that Girl Scout Cookies remind me of being a kid. My Aunt M would freeze Thin Mints and she rationed them so that they lasted all year long. My mother believed that the cookies should be enjoyed anytime, so our boxes never lasted very long. Having a father that works with elementary school kids was an added bonus during cookie time because we would inevitably receive some boxes as gifts. Score! Tagalongs and Thin Mints were the cookies of choice in our household and sharing a few after dinner were a family tradition.

So, why did I buy those cookies last week? That is easy. They taste good. I wanted them. They make me blissfully, nostalgically happy. And? They taste good.

*I am not even telling you how many boxes I ordered. I love these cookies, but I am not even going to open myself up for the public embarrassment that would follow if I told you the number. I will tell you this. It was more than five!

Why did I buy those shoes?

It’s my mom’s fault, if I get to lay blame somewhere. She turned me in to a sale-shopper when I was still in elementary school. Although she’s an Aquarius, she has that Capricorn-ish tendency toward frugality that I really admire … most of the time.

Except that when her penny-pinching ways were passed down to me, they mutated into a compulsion. I am powerless before it, and even the fact that I recognize my weakness doesn’t do anything to mitigate it.

I will buy something I don’t need JUST BECAUSE IT’S ON SALE.

It’s ridiculous. When I’m clothes shopping, it doesn’t matter if it’s just for fun or for a very specific item: I am literally incapable of even looking through the full-priced racks. I know exactly where the sale sections are in almost every store I visit; I walk straight there and start going through every single item. A black tank top (I already own three, mind you) that’s now only $3.49? How many other colors are there in my size?! A pair of jeans marked down to $9.99? Who cares that I already own a pair that look almost exactly like them (and when I get them home, I discover that they are the ones I already have)? A sweater I will probably wear only one time? Doesn’t matter—it was originally $48 and I got it for $12!

But the endcaps at Target are the worst. I have shower gel, picture frames, and chocolate that I was suckered into buying because of that little red Sale Price tag (and don’t even get me started on things that have a stack of red tags three or four deep—then I don’t even look at what I’m buying).

I now own, for example, a pair of $5.38 brown heels with toes that are way-too-pointy-to-be-comfortable. Also, they don’t fit in the arch—if you stand next to me and look down at my feet, you can see the insoles on the insides of each shoe. It’s like seeing a Barbie wearing shoes that were made for Jem.

But I haven’t yet convinced myself that I can return them. I mean, they were originally $24.99! And I got them for fewer than SIX dollars! Amazing! Even though if I took them back today, I’d be able to exchange them for toilet paper and a travel-size lotion … things I actually need … I just can’t seem to let go. Maybe I should wear them around the house for a few hours until my feet start screaming at me, “Hey, idiot, time to let go! Don’t even think about taking these shoes with us to Vegas. We’ll walk right off and leave you in the airport alone and toeless. That home pedicure will be worthless! Now let us out!”

What’s your shopping fetish? Are you, like me, a slave to a bargain? Or, also like me, when you find something you like, do you snatch up as many as you can reasonable justify in different colors? Or do you have more black dresses (or shoes, or books) than you’d ever admit? What do you wonder why you buy?

i wonder what my obituary will say?

super jane, 86, died yesterday in her sleep. it appears that even at age 86, she had still not caught up on the loss of sleep she experienced after birthing her children. super jane was married to super jas, world champion bass fisherman, for 64 years. she also leaves behind two daughters - little mama of 'dancing with the stars' fame (mondays at 9pm on abc) and aj, olympic gold medal gymnast (you can catch her posing with mary lou and nadia on the latest box of wheaties featuring 'the classics').

in 2000, super jane graduated from a quaint college in southern indiana. she met super jas during her time there and married him just months after graduation. both supers adored the little college and held it near and dear to their hearts. both created lasting memories on the sprawling campus, but one accomplishment of super jane's will live on forever. in the fall of 1999, super jane and her sorority sisters streaked across the football field. super jane's streaking speed and skill were noted that night and it appears that she still holds the college record for the fastest streak. to recognize this achievement, the college board renamed the football field "super jane's field" in her honor. super jane ('00), super jas ('99), little mama ('24), aj ('26), and grandchildren ('49, '47, '46) were all in attendance at the renaming ceremony.

super jane began her career in higher education. while she found the career to be a tad boring, the benefits of tuition exchange for her dependents kept her going. it was not until little mama and aj graduated from college themselves that super jane began to pursue other opportunities. in 2027 super jane and super jas auditioned for 'the amazing race.' the casting directors at cbs immediately fell in love with the couple and chose them to race during their 2028 season. the supers kicked some serious booty on the show and were "team #1" in every leg, paving the way to an incredible victory in the race around the world. the team visited numerous countries during their race, including egypt, croatia, nigeria, the netherlands, yemen, and vietnam. impressed with their skill and knowledge, the producers offered them employment at 'the amazing race.' they began working from home; super jane designing the race routes while super jas created the detour and road block tasks. they worked for cbs until retirement in 2038.

following retirement, super jane followed along as super jas pursued his dream of becoming a bass fisherman. he won the bassmaster classic in his first year on the circuit which led to the filming of his very own fishing show. super jane, retired, fat, and happy, enjoyed traveling to various fishing spots around the world and soaking up the sun and culture while super jas shot the footage for his popular show. it was while on shoot in florida that super jane passed peacefully in her sleep.

the funeral will be held on sunday night at 6pm. g love and ben folds will be performing an arrangement written especially for super jane while a dramatic reading illustrating super jane's life will be given by mso rin. in addition, the portraits of the supers' journey on 'the amazing race' taken by wicked m will by on display following the service. the family has requested that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the quaint college. please note "super jane life size statue fund" in the memo line.

Love Lives On

Today, my mother died. She was 99 years old.

Last week, she went hiking along the California coastline, with the aid of hoverboots and my twenty-year-old grandson's strong arm. The week before, she was in Amsterdam giving a talk to the Literary Fellows of the university there. Two days ago, she made my wife and I a stunning pot of spaghetti. I love my wife, but no one in this world could make spaghetti sauce like my Mama.

She often told me that when she was pregnant with me, it's all she craved.

G Love, my mother, was born in Southern California, and though she and my father ended up living all over the world, she always had an aura of sun and sand and health about her. She came from a large family, and "to my great relief," as she said with a smile in her last hour, each of her four siblings outlived her, as did all three of her children, and all eight of her grandchildren, and, yes, all twelve of her great grandchildren. Her only dear loss in this life (besides her parents) was her husband of over seventy years, who predeceased her by only a few short months. We all knew when we lost him that she wouldn't be far behind. It gives me comfort to know they're together now.

I'm her oldest child, born to her at the age of 29, before she and my father had begun their life's work, before they had found their calling. A couple of years later my brother was born, and two years after that they brought home my sister from a South American orphanage when she was only four months old. It was the adoption of my baby sister that gave my parents a real sense of direction and purpose, and this is when the beginnings of the G Love Foundation were formed.

In addition to their well known efforts on behalf of the poverty stricken and destitute of the world, my parents also made time for many other things in their lives. Dad wrote a stirring work of nonfiction that won him accolades the world 'round. Mom was shortlisted for the Booker prize for her third novel, and of course wrote the world famous biography of MSO Rin, with whom she was close from her college years on (incidentally, the biography included a forward by Super Jane and several dozen photographs by Wicked M - it is hard to imagine all four of these famously talented women attending the same small college at the same time, but it happened, and led to some stirring collaborations in later life.) Dad was a public servant for a large part of his career, and Mom was actually a backup singer in a band that had a few hits in the early teens, though not many people remember her for that. Dad and Mom also traveled extensively, and though at the end of their lives they had settled homes in Rome; Taos, New Mexico; and Beaufort, South Carolina; they were also able to spend extended periods of time in the Middle East, South America (especially Brazil), and Africa - always doing work for the Foundation.

Mom always said that some of her favorite memories dated from the time when my siblings and I were small, and she was managing and artistic director of a theatre in a tiny North Carolina town. Using what she learned from this experience, she was able to integrate what she called "theatre therapy" into much of the work she and Dad performed for the downtrodden, following in the footsteps of one of Mom's heroes, the Brazilian theatrical experimentalist Augusto Boal. Mom and Dad complemented one another in this work perfectly - Dad had political savvy, connections, and a cool head, and Mom had compassion, instinct, and drive. Together they personally brought comfort in the form of food, clean water, medical supplies, and also an artistic outlet to thousands, or perhaps hundreds of thousands. Workers and partners with their foundation have helped over ten million to date.

If you asked her, though, my Mom would always say she was most proud of her family. She'd nod acknowledgement of how corny that sounds, but would never waver from this answer - read transcripts of every one of her numerous interviews all through her life, and the answer would never change. In 2038, when Mom was sixty years old, she gave a taped interview on some long-cancelled talk show. I watched it again today, already missing her. I'll close this remembrance with my mother's own words from 39 years ago.

"I've been so fortunate in this life to do all the things I wanted to do, and also some things I didn't. I'm sixty years old and I still forget that sometimes, when you don't get your own way, you are getting a much better deal than if you had. I get so angry when I'm trying to get assistance for a struggling, starving family, and the country's government seems to be dead set against their success. Even worse is when the family itself is working against me, working against their own interests. I've sunk to my knees in despair, oh more times than I can count. I've lost hope. But here's the thing - whenever this happens, whenever stuff isn't going my way and I'm not having an easy time doing what I want and it seems like forces are conspiring to ruin my plans, I remember how, with my family, I got my own way. I got exactly what I wanted in the person I married and the three people I was lucky enough to call my children. I'm proud of them all. I LIKE them all. And none of them ever went hungry, or lacked for decent medical care, or slept on the street. And then I remember to be thankful for that, and I quit my complaining, roll up my sleeves, and try to see my childrens' faces in the faces of the poor I'm helping. It motivates me. It always has. The four of them, my kids and my husband, are my success story, regardless of how many people we can say our Foundation has served. No matter what, I know I gave them the best life I could offer. Everything else I get to do is just a bonus."

- G Love will be buried in Rome next to her husband, Darlin'. This remembrance is excerpted from a forward that appears in front of her final book, completed three months before her death. It was written by Jack-Jack, her oldest son and the winner of the 2052 Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the G Love Foundation.