What Would I Take Back?

I could also discuss my pining for my hometown, but it’s been briefly chronicled already and I think all the WW had much the same experience: cried and yearned, wised up and ended the relationship, discovered friends and fun, and got over it.

So my publishable regret (there are very few. Very. Few.) is from my senior year. I took tetracycline during college, and one of its side effects is to make you extremely sensitive to the sun. As a blue-eyed, blonde, Norwegian-Scots-Irish lass, I am pretty susceptible to UV rays anyway, so adding tetracycline to the mix was going to be problematic. Very.

Well, senior year, Homecoming was approaching and I hadn’t spent much time outside the summer before, so I got a package at the local tanning bed and usually tried not to spend more than ten minutes doing a fake bake. But as the days ticked away and the weather cooled off and I started going to my appointments w/a sorority sister who had a much darker complexion than I, I lost my head a little bit. I must have fried it.

The week of Homecoming, I went for the max: twenty minutes in a bed with new bulbs … and without my ... anything.

Yes, ladies and gents, I burned. Oh how I burned. EVERYWHERE. Thanks to my ingested dermatologic drugs, all of my skin, not just my face, turned red. And the parts that were not used to seeing any light whatsoever—that of day or night or the beach or anything other than the light in the shower—were burned and blistered for weeks. It hurt to sit, to stand, to lie down, to be hugged … I just HURT.

It still hurts to think about it, honestly, so I don’t think I will anymore.

No more tanning beds for me!

The Regret

I pined for a far away boyfriend all during my freshman year. Ugh. Looking back, I want to smack my freshman year self. He was a year younger than me, a basketball player, and he got a basketball scholarship to a school in Florida. I bet that you have already guessed how this ended: he cheated on me his first weekend of college. Duh. I also regret that I pined for him while also cheating on him. I am an awful person and to cut myself some slack, I was only eighteen. I hardly knew anything.

After freshman year boyfriend broke my heart, I took some time out for myself. That is when I decided to let my best guy friend get me drunk "so I could see what all the buzz was about". (pun intended) My sophomore year was a fine one and I made many many friends that year. There is not much I regret about my sophomore year. Thankfully.

Near the end of my sophomore year I began dating a fraternity guy/big time jock and the two of us had a grand old time together. We had an interesting relationship until my junior year/his senior year. He had what I call the "Senior Guy Freak Out" and our relationship become, uh, trying. He was faced with becoming a grown-up, I was faced with a boyfriend who suddenly wanted little to nothing to do with me. I could not possibly understand what he was going through, this is true, but I put up with his behavior anyway. I do regret that. I should have kicked him to the curb the minute his behavior become childish and selfish, but I was young and "in love". Whatever.

What followed were months and months of misery. The two of us would break up and get back together and have fights and make up. It was awful. I regret that we ruined what could have probably been a good friendship in trying to force a romantic relationship that had reached its end months before. I regret that a lot.

Most of the rest of my college experience was filled with unpublishable items. Most of which I do not regret at all! Thank goodness...

*On a totally different path, I would TOTALLY have told off my chem prof who tried to come on to me. And I totally would have told that other professor what I thought of his misogynistic remarks. Jerks,the both of them!

I Wonder What (Publishable) Things I Did in College That I Wish I Could Take Back?

Oh man. How long do you have?

The list of stupid crap I did in college that I am now forced to remember for all time is a long, long, long list. Surprisingly little of it involves alcohol, since I was a pure young lass in those days (corruption came late for me, not until my upperclass years.) But one can still be sober and stupid, and I was, frequently.

I fell completely in love with a guy, a big geek in retrospect, who was also big into religion and could not condone females wearing anything that revealed their ankles. That would’ve been super cool to live with the rest of my days, had I been able to convince him to marry me and make lots of babies, as was my heart’s deepest wish during much of my sophomore year. Yeah, I would love to take back all that time I spent, pining away, waiting for his call. I can remember a 1 am trip to Taco Bell with Wicked and Rin of the Wonder Women, the entire duration of which I spent tapping my foot and checking my watch, desperate to get back to my room in case he called. At 1 am. Did I mention? Middle of the night? When my straight laced object of affection was probably sound asleep?

I also wish I could take back all of the hours I spent in music history. I love me some music, and I love me some music history, but that class was laaaaaaame. Ditto calculus. Blargh.

I would love to obliterate from memory some of the embarrassing stuff I did in acting class. Like, farted one time, by accident, and then did a very poor job of acting like it wasn't me (get it? acting? hahahahha.) Also, the time I was in a play and had to pretend to be a wolf, and I wore basically a black sports bra and black undies on the stage, teased my hair out, and then tumbled around with some other guys and gals in black underwear and licked my hands/paws. I would love to ditch that humiliating memory, pronto.

But the thing I most wish I could take back is wasting my freshman year pining for my high school boyfriend. He was a lovely boy, but he was also in California, a gazillion miles from my Midwestern school. There was no way it was going to work. I wish I could go back and tell myself to just embrace college, already, and enjoy yourself. It took too long for me, too long to get over being forced to go to my last choice school. As it turned out, it was a lovely place to attend college, if I could have only stopped being pissy about it. I really wish I could take that back, relive that freshman year. Sigh.

my relections of autumn.

i have to agree with wicked on this one and say that i'm not a real big fan of fall. and with each year i age, i find myself dreading it more and more. i think the reason is because i have kids who adore being outside. as the season changes, their noses begin to run. allergies and colds abound which equals sleepless nights for me. we can no longer swim at the pool or jump on our bikes to chase down the ice cream truck. no, as the days grow shorter, we find ourselves stuck inside with boxes of tissues stashed strategically around the house.

my girls are most comfortable in flowy skirts, t-shirts, and flip flops. as such, we battle each morning over putting on pants, tennis shoes, and *gasp* socks. (as a side note, did you realize that socks were created as a torture mechanism?) it really is a pain, especially now that both of them can voice their opinions about it. it's much easier in the summer when they can throw on whatever they feel like and slip their flip flops on in a matter of seconds. actual clothes, shoes, and *gasp* socks take mucho more time to put on.

crap, i just realized that this wonder isn't about how i feel about autumn, it's about what i LIKE about autumn. okay, let me change directions here...

what i love about autumn is the fact that i get to bundle up in turtlenecks. i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE turtlenecks and have a million of them in all shades. i get to wear my rockin', black knee high, high heeled boots (which always fetch me compliments) and my new red coat that my folks are going to buy me for christmas (hint, hint, mom.).

another thing that i love about autumn is that it ushers in football season. i love football and have watched it every sunday afternoon for as long as i can remember. growing up, our family sundays consisted of going to church, eating lunch, slipping back into our pjs, and devouring a large pan of rice kripsy treats. i loved this tradition and, now that my girls are older, hope to continue it with my own family.

this morning gave me yet another reason to be thankful for autumn. as i drove rascal to school this morning, we saw a gorgeous tree whose leaves had already turned red. i pointed it out to her and she said, "i see! the leaves changed color from green to red." "and do you know why they turned colors?" i inquired. "yes, because it's fall!" she informed. and with that simple conversation, i realized that my 3 yr old daughter is a genius (just kidding. well, only slightly kidding!). no, our conversation reminded me that with yet another passing autumn season, my daughters are growing and changing and becoming real, live human beings. they are growing into marvelous young women who are learning about and capturing this world at breakneck speeds. it's humbling to see how much they've grown since last october. to look at pictures and watch videos and to remember them how they were only 365 short days ago...well, it's mind blowing, really.

so, even though my girls and i can't lounge at the pool or hose off our sticky ice cream fingers in the side yard, or even enjoy the warmth of sunshine on our faces, we still have lots to be enjoy this autumn season. i just need to remember to take each day as a gift and to enjoy the present, not wishing the season along, but enjoying it for what it is with my girls and favorite boy, each and every day.

I Wonder What I Love About Fall?

I have always had a fairly negative view of the fall season. This is mostly due to the fact that it is the end of my beloved summertime. Ah, summer. The season of sitting by the pool, the season of cookouts and lemonade, the season of delicious heat. Fall has also always represented the ushering in of my least favorite season, winter, and for that reason alone I have always cursed autumn. As I get older, though, I appreciate the fall season more and more.

The stunning beauty of watching tree after tree burst into color -- leaves turning the color of copper, bursting in orange flame, a red so awe-inspiring a word does not do it justice. The fall season used to represent an end to me -- the end of summer -- but now I see it as a new beginning. Fall marks the beginning of school calendars, fall marks the start of another year of marriage for my spouse and me, and fall marks the beginning of the true season of family.

The crisp air beckons to my long-forgotten jeans and sweatshirts and begs for me to head to a pumpkin patch or apple orchard. The crisp apples are a delight and I love to watch children dart about picking out "their" pumpkin. Carving jack-o-lanterns is always fun and toasting pumpkin seeds is a treat. While Halloween has never been my favorite holiday (I hate being scared!), I do love to watch children maneuver in their costumes while trying to keep hold of their prized candy.

Fall means football games and hot chocolate. Fall means cuddling under a blanket on the couch while you and your spouse cheer on your favorite team(s). Fall means cookies and apple cider and warm Chex Mix.

My absolute favorite thing about fall is that it means the holidays are upon us. The time from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day is my most beloved time of year. This magical time that brings families together, requires us to eat tons of tasty food, and allows us to show the people we love just how much we truly care is what I enjoy most.

I am now thankful for fall. These days fall means family to me.

I Wonder What I Love Most About . . .

. . . Autumn.

Springtime is so lovely. This past spring was particularly fecund for me, as it was the season when I welcomed my first baby. The tulips were nodding, the azaleas in bloom, and the trees budding green when I carried my son up the front porch stairs for the first time.

Following spring is, of course, the summer, a season I embrace with more enthusiasm than ever now that I have a child to share it with. We bought a handful of pool passes, even though he was a mite young to enjoy the community pool. I took him hiking, the dog trotting purposefully beside us. We sat outside at the green plastic table and chairs that I bought for about $5 at Wal Mart, and I showed him green leaves, brown branches, blue sky. The husband, when he could come out with us (summer saw the close of the school year, but not nearly the end of schoolwork for him), always managed to wheedle me into stopping at the new ice cream shop.

The end of summer tends to be miserable here in the American South. Mosquitos whine and bite, the sun beats. Both conspired against me lazing in the hammock, and instead I sat inside watching too many Netflixed television shows. I began to feel loose-skinned, doughy, unwell. September, for various reasons, was not kind to me this year.

This year more than ever, then, I welcome it, my son's first autumn, enraptured as always with the frothy perfection of a Carolina October. Tank top days and sweaters for night time - a fire is called for of an evening, and I am once again delighted that I bought a chiminea three years ago, a present for my new homeowning self. I love a pot pie, heavy gravy, root vegetables, simmering in the Crock Pot. I love the smell of pumpkins.

Autumn is Halloween, and I am trying to think of a clever costume that I can make for my five month old. Trick or treat will be a different endeavor for these next many years, and though he has not enough teeth for candy and I don't need any myself, we will still take him.

Autumn is turning leaves, and I know that he will love to watch them fall. Will learn to walk through drifts of them, and love their crunch under his feet, between his gummy jaws (he will get a handful in his mouth, without doubt.) We will take him to a farm to pet animals, walk among hay bales, select a pumpkin. He's too young to remember, but there will be pictures.

Autumn is a chill in the air, when the hat and gloves come out, but not the heavy coats and scarves. Autumn is Thanksgiving, with my parents this year, which will probably mean dinner in our pajamas, cinnamon rolls for the morning. Autumn means we are on the cusp of Christmas, when two babies, four parents, two grandparents, and two great grandparents (along with an obscene amount of dogs) will gather for stockings by the hearth, though we have agreed for the sake of thrift to buy gifts this year only for the children.

Children. Yes. This year, autumn also brings me a much loved and looked for niece, a cousin for our son. Autumn, a bounteous harvest, one I cannot wait to share with my son for the first time.

i wonder about my identity.

the only thing that anyone can talk about or think about where i work is the recent security breach. i honestly didn't think much of it, even after i saw it on the midday news. i have been out of the office since monday, so i didn't get caught up on everything until this morning. my director called me in to discuss the situation. i began to worry a bit more.

and then, wouldn't you know it, another coworker of mine discovered that she was a victim of identity theft yesterday (through a breach in her previous employer). after hearing her ordeal and all that she went through, i'm definitely scared.

there were over 10,000 names on the list that was hacked. and, of course, this list included every detail of my life (and the other 9,999 folks that were on the list too). and now that we know the severity of it (as in where it originated and such - i don't want to divulge all of the details on the internet obviously), we're all freaked out. literature has been emailed to us and posted on our intranet. we're all talking about and seeing what the best option is for all of us. have i mentioned that we're freaking here?

so now, i'm having to go about doing a bunch of crap in order to keep myself from being a victim. unfortunately, this wonder is one that will be on my mind for many years to come.