Monday, August 4, 2008

I Wonder What the Dumbest Comment I Ever Made Was . . .

The G Love Dumb Comment Gallery, with Dumbness Instances bolded for your reading pleasure:

Exhibit A
My coworker Suzanne has come in for guidance on how to establish authority over a new direct report who is her age.
SUZANNE: “. . . I don’t have any trouble with Anita. I tell her to do something, she does it. But with Joanne, I feel weird asking her to do things.”
ME: “Well, Joanne is your age, which always makes it more awkward. You have a natural authority over Anita, seeing as how she is young enough to be your daughter. Um. Er. I mean. If you were, like, having kids at age 12. Heh heh.”

Exhibit B
Years ago, I worked a temp job, also in HR, in a hospital. Somebody I didn’t know came in to the office to show off her new baby.
NEW MOM: “Having a baby is just the most wonderful thing in the world. Are you planning on having kids soon?”
ME: “Well, I’m not married yet.”
NEW MOM (offended): “Well T.J. says he’s gonna marry me just as soon as he can afford to treat me like I deserve.”
ME: “Oh, um, of course. I just mean, well, I don’t - - - that really is a gorgeous kid!”

Exhibit C
Last year, at a sort of family reunion. I put my foot in my mouth not once, not twice, but three times with my Aunt Carly.
ME: “So, what’s your daughter up to these days? Has she finished college yet?”
AUNT CARLY: “I guess you didn’t hear that she dropped out.”
ME: “Oh. Well, you know, sometimes people just need to take a year off, take a break, or maybe college just isn’t for them.”
AUNT CARLY: “No, she’s just stupid and lazy.”
ME: “Oh. Uh-huh.”
Later, looking through photo albums together.
AUNT CARLY: “Yeah, there’s my brother and your dad. They used to be in the same class in high school, before we were even related.”
ME: “Cool. Looks like you have a lot of fun memories together.
AUNT CARLY: “Yeah, I guess.”
ME: "I don't know about you, but I love having a brother. It's so great."
AUNT CARLY: "Mmmhmmm."
ME: “So, is he here at the reunion?”
AUNT CARLY: “We aren’t on speaking terms.”
ME: “---“
Still later, sipping coffee at the dinner table.
ME: “So what do you do again, Aunt Carly?”
AUNT CARLY: “I’m not currently working.”
ME: “Oh, great. So you decided to take some time off. Sounds soooo nice.”
AUNT CARLY: “It wasn’t my decision. I was let go.”
ME: (under my breath) “*&(%(&*#^” (out loud) “Oh, I’m, uh, sorry to hear that.”

Exhibit D
In a restaurant, talking to a room full of 20 of my coworkers.
ME: “Well, Suzanne, I’m sure you’re proud of you daughter. Almost finished with college and all.”
SUZANNE: “We sure are.”
ME: “I always try to tell our interns – you can get so much farther in life with a college degree. It’s a very important thing to get, if you ever want to be taken seriously in your career. (survey room, and realize that I am the only one in there with a college degree.) --- that is, if you’re in the scientific community. Christine is a Bio major, right?”
SUZANNE: “Business.”
ME: “Oh. Well. In business and stuff, not so much, I mean experience counts for a lot, and all. Especially, you know, in manufacturing, like our jobs. --- Please pass the salt?”


34 Years said...

Dude - you're a wreck :) Seeing it all laid out like that is pretty hyterical, poor Aunt Carly!

I have a nugget of my own, I'm sure you're all thrilled with my own 'wonders'.

Sitting around with my ex and his family, watching a professionally-made wedding video of his brother and new sis-in-law:
Me, listening to the goofy love song playing in the background of the video: "God, I hate the mushy songs they put on these things, they're so lame..." my voice trails off as I suddenly realize the new couple just may have had a hand in deciding what songs went on the video -

- a fact that was confirmed at that moment by my ex's bro, the new husband. Everyone in the room sort of laughed as I turned multiple shades of pink.

Oh well, joke's on them, I have a credit in the video, I was 'Program Hander-outer' or something like that.

kaycee said...

Oh Miss G. So glad to know that I am not the only one with perpetual foot in mouth disease.