I Wonder What I'm Going to Do?

I don’t know who I’ll vote for.

I don’t know who to vote for.

An issue of Newsweek (March 17, I believe, if you want to go to the library) got me thinking. If I don’t support Hillary, am I a traitor to my sex? Me, a woman who’s never knowingly faced sexism in her education, in her relationships, in her various jobs … could I be a hypocrite if I vote against my gender?

I remember being a preteen who, when asked about her ambitions, would often declare her intention to be the first female President. Nobody ever told me I couldn’t do it—nor did it ever cross my mind that it was a supremely unlikely, overly lofty goal. (Let’s not discuss the fact that I never intended to actually go into politics. I just wanted to be the first something and also be rich, in charge, and famous.) Coming of age in the world of Margaret Thatcher and Sally Ride and Title IX, I got the opportunity to take feminism and the ERA totally for granted.

And now, here we are, being asked to make history.

And I’m almost paralyzed by the responsibility.

I can’t stop thinking that just as much weight will be placed on where I don’t cast my vote as where I do. What does it say if I choose Barack? Does it say I all but agree with the people I’ve heard dissing Hillary for being fake/harsh/cold? What if she has to be all those things to accomplish what she has? If she’s genuine/soft/warm, would she come across as too “girly” to get things done? I know people who really do believe a woman doesn’t belong in the White House. I’m not one, but I’m just not sure yet that I believe this woman does.

But I still can’t stand the unfairness of some of the criticism launched at Hillary. From her pantsuits to her forgiveness (it would seem by the fact that they’re still married) of Bill’s dalliances, Hillary is being attacked as a candidate in a very watercooler-gossip way.

So should I support her because she’s a female and so am I? Do I pitch my tent in her camp to say “Yep, you’re right,” to Tina Fey? To say of course a woman can do this job and do it very, very well?

Is it even possible to just leave gender out of it altogether and not worry about whether or not I’m supporting or subjugating girl power?

I was lucky enough to breathe the same air as both candidates this past weekend. Barack was a rock concert from days before the rally to even now—people ask one another, “Did you go to Barack?” the way one asks, “Did you go to the Rolling Stones?” And goodness me, he was inspiring and exciting and captivating and passionate and articulate. Hillary was a town-hall meeting, just as it was promoted. She detailed policy and then took questions and was thoughtful and precise and calm and good-humored. And goodness me, does she have soft hands. (Yes, that’s my way of saying I shook her hand and exchanged smiles and “thank you for coming”s.)

But Hillary herself pointed out that she’s a woman: she made a joke about how much longer it takes her to get ready every day and shouldn’t she get points for that because John and Barack don’t have to get up as early as she does and she’s just as capable as they are at the end of the day.

So where does that leave me? My mind is all swirled up by wisps of thoughts about identity voting and gender politics and similarities and differences and dynasties and years of service and, oh, if you go read that March issue of Newsweek you’ll understand why I broke out in a cold sweat over it and got up and started writing this wonder in the middle of the night weeks ago and have been adding to it ever since.

I’ve only got seven weeks to decide … any thoughts?