My 365 day journey

This year has been filled with lots of wonderful things.  An abundance of happy memories and blessings that showered my sweet family of 4 during these past 12 months quickly come to mind.  Trips, game nights, garden tending, academic accomplishments...the list goes on and on.

But this "wonder" will be all mine.  Something that occurred because of me and no one else.  Something that I alone accomplished and has, most literally, changed my life.  Almost exactly 365 days ago, I began down the path of better health.  In just shy of 365 days, I have dropped 41 lbs.

I'm not going to chalk my weight gain up to health issues (although fertility drugs do have a way of packing on the pounds long before the baby weight arrives).  If I get to take credit for the weight loss, I need to hold myself accountable and take credit for the weight gain too.  The truth of the matter is, I simply ate too much.  I was eating junk food all the time.  Eating 3 or 4 helpings at dinner.  Stuffing my face with every sweet in my office at work.  I barely exercised.

After I delivered my beautiful surro-babe, I dropped 20 lbs or so of pregnancy weight.  After that, putting absolutely no effort into my health, I was stuck.  I had never weighed so much in my life, but still saw myself as relatively thin when I looked in the mirror.

That all changed last July when I was visiting my parents in Missouri.  We had just rafted down a river in southwest Missouri.  As we were pulling off onto the beach at the rental shop, we noticed a local news reporter and cameraman.  They approached us, wanting to interview me for a story they were doing on the low water levels of rivers and lakes in the area.  I declined, but my dad offered to help.  We watched the newscast that night and, you guys, I kid you not, I thought I was going to cry.  In the background, I saw someone sitting in the raft beside my mom.  This girl was facing the river, her back to the camera, and I could not understand who that really, really fat girl was with my bathing suit on.  Then it struck me that the super fat girl was me.  I was embarrassed, shocked, tearful, and struggled to breathe.  I vowed to myself - right there on my parents' bed - that I would lose weight.

I purchased a scale and weighed myself for the first time when I got home.  I had an appointment with my doctor where I learned that I was pre-diabetic (diabetes runs heavy in my father's family, so that was fun news to hear).  My BMI put me in the "obese" category.  Yep, it was that bad.  Not only did I look bad, but I discovered that day that my body was in bad shape health wise. 

I started slowly.  I scoured the internet looking for tips to lose weight in a healthy manner.  No diet drinks.  No quick fixes.  No weird stuff for me, please and thank you.  I began logging in every.single.calorie that I consumed into an online program.  I started walking on my lunch hours.

I began to lose weight.
I began to see a difference in the way my clothes fit.
I began to gain self-confidence again.

Fast forward 365 days.  I am 41 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and I am so proud of my accomplishment.  I hear compliments from friends I haven't seen in a while about how good I look.  My coworkers are inspired.  In all honesty, I hate the attention.  Instead of saying "thank you" like I probably should, my canned response is, "Well, it's been a lot of work."  I still don't know how to handle the compliments, I suppose. 

The best part, however, is that I feel great.  My BMI is now in the "normal" range and I am no longer knocking on diabetes' door.  I still eat sweets and not-so-good-for-you stuff, but only in moderation.  I eat tons of fruits and veggies, drink at least 64 oz of water per day, and chew gum like a mad girl to keep from mindless snacking.  I do interval training, walk with weights, do yoga stretches, and core exercises.  Jas gifted me a fitbit for my birthday in January and I wear it religiously.  In fact, I think I may be addicted to it, but it's a good thing!

It hasn't been an easy road to travel.  There have been so many ups and downs along the way, but my gosh, I've stuck with it.  I am grateful for the unending support I received from Jas.  I am grateful that my girls finally have an example of healthy living in their lives.  I am grateful for the free gym I have access to here at work.  And, if I have to be, I'm grateful for that stupid newscast that shed light on my issues in the first place.

I wonder what one thing I did this past year that I will one day be so grateful for?

In July 2012, I took the Alabama bar exam, and then set off for a weeklong adventure in Santa Fe, New Mexico, with my love.  We drank margaritas with a lecherous former mayor of the city, ate green chile in front of a rotary fan on a terraced restaurant patio in 100 degree heat, had a beer on the second-story balcony of a bar overlooking the square where a crowd danced in front of a band, spent a half hour most evenings in the hotel hot tub before wrapping up in fluffy robes and deciding the next day’s itinerary.  For souvenirs we purchased one piece of turquoise jewelry and one painted tile, which still make me think fondly of the trip every time I see them.  I did not buy the seven hundred dollar boots I yearned for.  I am so grateful for that trip, an adults only adventure that will (have to) sustain us for many years hence.

In August 2012, we moved into our new house, which echoed from the lack of furniture.  We purchased a solid kitchen table with benches, one that is scrawled already with marker and has a ring or two from a hot pan.  We eat as a family at that table every night.  I am grateful for our house.  I am grateful for our family table.

In September 2012, I began work at a new job with people that I very much like, and work that I enjoy.  Although sometimes it feels like too many hours (and sometimes not enough), my salary (along with my husband’s) helps us pay the ridiculous amounts to student loans that are making those babies disappear, helps us pay our car payments and gas and mortgage, helps us buy clothes for our growing boys, helps us put a miniscule but growing amount into savings.  In this time of economic misery, I am so, so grateful for my job.

In October 2012, my boys dressed as a bat and a Frankenstein for Halloween.  In November 2012, after a bout of pneumonia that left me feverish for a week, we drove the children to my parents’ house in Nashville for a family Thanksgiving.  In December 2012, we spent our first Christmas in our own house, a family of four.  I am so grateful for my usual good health.  I am so grateful for holidays with my boys. 

In January 2013, we traveled to South Carolina to welcome a new niece.  I am so grateful for nieces.  In February 2013, I took the Florida bar exam.  I’m so grateful that I don’t have to take any more of those suckers.  In March 2013, we enjoyed our first Mobile Mardi Gras – with one quick trip to New Orleans for a taste of our Mardi Gras past.  I am so, so grateful for Mardi Gras. 

In April 2013, we celebrated Jake’s fifth birthday with a party in our backyard.  I’m so grateful for that little boy, so grateful we have a great home for him to play in.  In May 2013, we made a baby who will join us next January.  I’m a little mad at this baby for torturing me, but I’m so grateful s/he is coming.  In June 2013, we celebrated Cubby’s birthday at a baseball game.  I’m unbelievably grateful for Cubby, my little soldier, my little shadow.  In July 2013, my morning sickness faded.  I’m beyond grateful for that, you just can’t imagine.  I’ve done a lot of things in the past twelve months that have made me so grateful, things that I will remember and be proud of for the rest of my life. 

Please don’t make me pick just one.

MSO Rin's brain didn't make it back with the rest of her luggage, so she's going on a quest to find it. The problem is, since she doesn't have her brain, she's heading west instead of east. Sigh. Kids these days.

We'll be back to your regularly scheduled programming around July 8. Should another Wonder Woman choose to post, just consider it a bonus for your loyal readership!

MSO Rin made an executive decision to give the Wonder Women a break this week. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she didn't have time to come up with a Wonder for the week and then write her Monday post b/c she was getting ready to go spend the rest of the week with Wicked M (and see super jane, too!). No indeedy. It did not.

Now ... can G Love get a last-minute flight north for under $1K? Not likely, but she'll be with us in spirit.

Lost

I generally like to spend time alone and be by myself.  My husband likes to remind me of how when we were first living together that I laid down a law that I needed five minutes to myself when I got home from work every night.  I just needed that five minutes to decompress and shed my day.  I prefer quieter activities to loud and crazy ones.  I find big groups of people make me anxious and I almost always wish I were at home, in my comfy clothes, and watching some sort of trashy television.  Part of it is that I am an introvert.  I am shy.  I worry that people will not like me.  I mostly worry that people will not like me because I do believe that I am sort of hard to like.  I can be opinionated.  I can be bossy.  I am a know-it-all.  I own all of these parts of myself but I hate being judged because of them.

Growing up, I never had a lot of friends.  I have always been the type to have one friend and make that one my bestie.  We would do everything together.  Then, my friend would move away.  This happened to me consistently through elementary and junior high school.  In high school, I made a few friends through sports and was subsequently dropped by those friends because I chose to attend a different college than they did.  Nice, huh?  So, as I look back through my life I have really only had a handful of best friends.  True friends.  People who I felt like I could tell anything to and that I would do anything for.  I always felt like those people felt the same way about me.

I have found as an adult that friendships have only become more complicated. People have careers, kids, spouses, etc.  It makes getting together nearly impossible and my few truly good friends have become scattered across the world.  I have to admit that I often find myself lonely.  Superman travels for work every week and I find myself with a lot of alone time in the evenings.  Most of the time this is a nice reprieve from the craziness that is day-to-day life with a toddler.  However, there are some nights that I desperately wish I had a girlfriend I could call to come sit on my couch with me, drink wine and gossip with.

In the last few years, my circle of friends has become even smaller.  I had a friendship that I had fostered since college that slowly slipped from my grasp.  I am still confused by how it happened and what exactly I may have done wrong in the situation.  My friend never said a word to me, but our friendship grew strained and with distance factored in, it was easier to just let things go.  She just slipped away.  There were actually three of us that had been friends since college.  We did most everything together.  The other two girls in the friendship were friends before I came along and I felt mostly lucky to just have been accepted as part of their pair.  We complemented each other well and we had a lot of fun together.  We all had varying interests and did our own things, but we could always come back together and be ourselves.  I treasured that relationship and felt like I did everything I could to keep it strong.  Part of me desperately wants answers.  The other part of me definitely does not want to know what happened.

The part of me that definitely does not want to know what happened is because I have another friendship, a family relationship actually, that has erupted into a firestorm and I have been given "answer" after "answer" and they all hurt.  I have been ripped to shreds and told that I am nothing.  Someone who I loved dearly and never expected to hurt me has hurt me deeply and the relationship is not likely to recover.  How could it, really?  How could I ever want to spend time with people who have decided I am not a good person and that I do not have the best of intentions?  I am still shocked by how this all happened.  It has been months and my brain still cannot reconcile a situation that I walked into with a hopeful heart was used against me as an ambush and a chance to break my heart.  I have tried several times since this initial ambush to put the pieces back together again and have been met with resistance and repeated attacks.  This person is lost to me.

This post may not make any sense to anyone.  For that I am sorry.  I just had to get some of this out.  It has been a rough time for me lately and I have been doing a lot of soul searching.  I apologize for using Wonder Women as a way to work out some of my issues.  Still, I do believe that Wonder Women was started with some of this in mind.  I just miss my people is all.  

Likes and Dislikes - Then vs. Now

I like:

1) sales at the grocery store - I love saving me some money, so when I can score something for cheap, I'll stock up.  My younger self never ventured to the store except to purchase beer.

2) cheap gas - I will drive just a teeny bit out of my way to save a few pennies on gas.  My younger self wouldn't even bother to check the price because I knew my allowance would be coming at the week's end.

3) losing 1 lb. - Good Gosh it takes me FOREVER anymore to drop 1 lb.  My younger self would realize that my pants were getting a little tight.  I would only think to myself, "I think I need to lose a pound or so" and viola -- the pound would magically disappear.  I swear I never tried to lose weight; it would just happen.  Why does that not happen now!?!?

4) a clean home - My younger self loathed cleaning.  I look at pictures from when Jas and I were first married and am embarrassed by how our home looked!  Somewhere, somehow, I became a little bit obsessed with keeping my home spic 'n span.  I love a shiny, clean home - especially when it's mine!

5) mowing the yard - What a great workout!  I can burn nearly 500 calories push mowing our near 1 acre of land.  It's awesome! 

I don't like:

1) staying up past 10:30pm even on the weekend - I just can't do it!  My eyes automatically close at 10:30pm.  It's involuntary, really.  My younger self wasn't much better; I'd usually hit the hay around 12:00pm even on the weekend!

2) sleeping in - This is a weird one, I know, but I have found that I'm actually more tired when I sleep in.  This means that I set my alarm for 7am on the weekends.  I feel better and am less cranky sticking to my normal sleep routine.  My younger self never set an alarm clock on the weekends.  I couldn't get enough sleep back then!

3) big social gatherings -  My younger self craved parties.  Oh how I loved a big get-together with loud music and 100+ of my closest friends dancing in a small room (I never did, however, like the club scene).  Now, I would much prefer a smaller group of friends.  There is still music and me dancing, but it's not so large scale anymore. 

4) rap - Just kidding.  I still love rap.

Glamorous Life

1. Tanning

THEN - Awesome!  I went to the beach and I got so tan, and I don't even have bad tan lines because I moved my straps!  I look hot.

NOW - Awesome!  I went to the beach and every inch of me is as white as ever - I even remembered my ears and the tops of my feet!  

2. Exercising

THEN - I just ran two hours, but I'm still so faaaaaaat because I ate THREE Papa John's breadsticks.  Ugh, why am I so gross?

NOW - I squeezed in a half hour run into my hectic schedule, and it was awesome but now my knees hurt so baaaaaaaad.  (I no longer care about being fat.  The glory of 35.)

3. Boys

THEN - He likes me??  Then I must like him!  It matters not whether he's remotely interesting, kind, funny, attractive to me, or has any motivation and skill.  He likes me!!!  I'm in LOVE!

NOW - He did all of the dishes, laundry, mowed the lawn, dropped off the recycling, changed the garbage bags, and made dinner while I flopped all over the couch holding a miserable sick 3 year old.  Then he rubbed my shoulders after the 3 year old finally went to bed.  I'm in LOVE!!

4. Alcohol

THEN - Giggle giggle giggle giggle giggle.  Tee hee.  I think I'll have a CIDER.  I'm so bad!  Hoo hoo, I've only had one and I'm tipsy!  Giggle giggle.

NOW - It's ok to have three glasses of wine on a Wednesday night, right?

5.  Leisure Activities

THEN - Lay out on a beach towel on the grass and read a book.  Or maybe go for a swim, then lay out by the pool and read a book.  Go see a movie.  Get ready to head out to the bars at 11pm, get moderately toasted, return home and sit out on the porch stoop with friends, having one last drink and wondering about life.  Sleep it off til noon, then spend the remainder of Sunday watching movies and eating junk food.  

NOW - (this space intentionally left blank)

6. Sick Days

THEN - Awesome!  I have a sick day, that means I can relax and watch bad tv!

NOW - Shitballs.  I have a sick day, that means I have to try to bill from my couch despite my bouts of vomiting, and will probably work all weekend.

7. Money

THEN - OK, I think I have enough to cover student loans, rent, car insurance, food, gas, and utilities.  I don't really have much left over, but I'm cool.

NOW - OK, I think I have enough to cover student loans, mortgage and rent, car payment and insurance, food for four, gas for two, daycare, health insurance, pet care, home maintenance, car repair, savings, retirement, and utilities.  I don't really have much left over, but I'm cool.

8. Eating

THEN - GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT

NOW - Fuck it.  Yummmmmmm.

9. Women's Equality Issues

THEN - Huh?

NOW - WHITE HOT RAGE

10. Home Furnishings

THEN - This thing I found in the dumpster will look awesome in my living room.

NOW - This thing somebody on etsy found in a dumpster and re-finished will look awesome in my living room.

11. Coffee

THEN - Gross.

NOW - Nectar of Life.

12. Vitamins

THEN - Always bought them, struggled to swallow them, threw them out three years past expiration.

NOW - Flintstone gummies, ya'll.  It's the mature way to get your daily B6.

13. Kids

THEN - I want them.

NOW - You want them?