Glamorous Life

1. Tanning

THEN - Awesome!  I went to the beach and I got so tan, and I don't even have bad tan lines because I moved my straps!  I look hot.

NOW - Awesome!  I went to the beach and every inch of me is as white as ever - I even remembered my ears and the tops of my feet!  

2. Exercising

THEN - I just ran two hours, but I'm still so faaaaaaat because I ate THREE Papa John's breadsticks.  Ugh, why am I so gross?

NOW - I squeezed in a half hour run into my hectic schedule, and it was awesome but now my knees hurt so baaaaaaaad.  (I no longer care about being fat.  The glory of 35.)

3. Boys

THEN - He likes me??  Then I must like him!  It matters not whether he's remotely interesting, kind, funny, attractive to me, or has any motivation and skill.  He likes me!!!  I'm in LOVE!

NOW - He did all of the dishes, laundry, mowed the lawn, dropped off the recycling, changed the garbage bags, and made dinner while I flopped all over the couch holding a miserable sick 3 year old.  Then he rubbed my shoulders after the 3 year old finally went to bed.  I'm in LOVE!!

4. Alcohol

THEN - Giggle giggle giggle giggle giggle.  Tee hee.  I think I'll have a CIDER.  I'm so bad!  Hoo hoo, I've only had one and I'm tipsy!  Giggle giggle.

NOW - It's ok to have three glasses of wine on a Wednesday night, right?

5.  Leisure Activities

THEN - Lay out on a beach towel on the grass and read a book.  Or maybe go for a swim, then lay out by the pool and read a book.  Go see a movie.  Get ready to head out to the bars at 11pm, get moderately toasted, return home and sit out on the porch stoop with friends, having one last drink and wondering about life.  Sleep it off til noon, then spend the remainder of Sunday watching movies and eating junk food.  

NOW - (this space intentionally left blank)

6. Sick Days

THEN - Awesome!  I have a sick day, that means I can relax and watch bad tv!

NOW - Shitballs.  I have a sick day, that means I have to try to bill from my couch despite my bouts of vomiting, and will probably work all weekend.

7. Money

THEN - OK, I think I have enough to cover student loans, rent, car insurance, food, gas, and utilities.  I don't really have much left over, but I'm cool.

NOW - OK, I think I have enough to cover student loans, mortgage and rent, car payment and insurance, food for four, gas for two, daycare, health insurance, pet care, home maintenance, car repair, savings, retirement, and utilities.  I don't really have much left over, but I'm cool.

8. Eating

THEN - GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT

NOW - Fuck it.  Yummmmmmm.

9. Women's Equality Issues

THEN - Huh?

NOW - WHITE HOT RAGE

10. Home Furnishings

THEN - This thing I found in the dumpster will look awesome in my living room.

NOW - This thing somebody on etsy found in a dumpster and re-finished will look awesome in my living room.

11. Coffee

THEN - Gross.

NOW - Nectar of Life.

12. Vitamins

THEN - Always bought them, struggled to swallow them, threw them out three years past expiration.

NOW - Flintstone gummies, ya'll.  It's the mature way to get your daily B6.

13. Kids

THEN - I want them.

NOW - You want them?