Monday, November 3, 2008

I Wonder What Would Change if I Were President?


The heck with being President, I want to be Dictator. Here is what I would decree:

· The standard work week will drop to 35 hours from 45 (8 to 5 is 9 hours a day, people, and who snuck this change in hours by without a popular vote?). If it tries to creep back up I will slap its hand and tell it to go back where it belongs or it doesn’t get any dessert after supper.
· If you promise to work out for at least 30 minutes at least 3 times a week, I will use the resulting extra money that isn’t spent on your health care and give you $500 per year to buy cute workout clothes and sneaks, and $100 per year to buy good jammin’ songs for your Ipod to listen to, because we could all use some extra motivation to keep our wobbly office-chair butts heading to the gym.
· For every extra curricular activity that involves visual art, music, theatre, extra science projects, creative writing, and air guitar, I will give a school an additional $10,000 to fund the project, and $10,000 to go in its general fund as an incentive. While we’re at it, every teacher who elects to stay after school and administer these programs will get a $5000 bonus. Per semester. I will pay for this with a tax on any big corporation that pays its CEO more than $2 million per year. Whatever they pay the CEO over and above this pretty-durn-reasonable cap, they have to match in the “Keep Arts in Elementary Education” fund.
· I will implement universal health care. Um, how I would do this effectively and without significantly raising taxes is a secret. Shhhhh.
· I will set a minimum inches standard for celebrity thighs, arms, and middles, and any celebrity who fails to meet the standard will be forced to donate 75% of his/her earnings to the eating disorder prevention organization of choice.
· It will be free to adopt children in this country. If you decide to adopt a child over the age of 10, I will provide his/her college education at any public institution free of charge. Private institutions may match my generosity, if they see fit.
· Speaking of college – I will make that sucker cost $5000 or less per year to the students. I will tie repayment of any loans taken out for school to the graduate’s earnings level. This means recent graduates have the freedom to take low paying jobs if they wish – such as, I don’t know, acting jobs? Or service jobs, or naturalist jobs, or jobs at a non-profit, or whatever. It also means they have the freedom to travel a bit, to explore, to make employment and life choices that aren’t motivated largely by their need to meet their monthly student loan payments.
· I will make it legal for any two people to get married who want to get married.
· I will limit the number of frivolous lawsuits each person may file in his/her lifetime to three. Choose your frivolous lawsuits wisely – you may want to set one aside, just in case somebody insults you when you’re eighty. Who will take you seriously at age eighty if you haven’t got a frivolous lawsuit in your back pocket to threaten people with?
· I will force companies to bring back pensions, because hel-LO. 2% of my salary in a 401k ain’t no lifelong pension. I don’t know how companies wiggled out of THAT obligation, but I’m wiggling their tails right back in.
· I will make David Sedaris my speechwriter. Sheryl Crow will be my stylist. Or her stylist will be my stylist, I should say. Tina Fey will be my stunt double, to do my appearances on days when I’m feeling under the weather. Amy Poehler will be the White House resident Fool. Yes, she will wear a hat with bells on, but I’ll make it worth her while.
· Lastly (and this will be my most popular resolution, I feel) – I will declare November 3rd to be Wonder Women Day, a day when you are supposed to reach out and connect with all of the women who inspire you, about spending a second to call or email or visit a girl you love. I will force all networks to play re-runs of SATC all day, ice cream and pizza will be sold at half price, and I will send Air Force One all over the country to drop chocolates from the sky. OK, maybe that could get dangerous, maybe I’ll send out legions of chocolate via the U.S. mail. In any case – it will be a celebration of women and womanhood*, and it will be my legacy long after my term is up and I’m dead and gone.

*Don’t call me sexist! We’ve had a gazillion men Presidents so far who all had the opportunity to make a Man Day, it’s their fault they didn’t think of it first.


super jane said...

it's too bad i already voted because you would totally be my write-in. i especially like the one about celebrity inches. what a public service that would be.

34 Years said...

You had me at SATC...and chocolate. Toss in free beer and my vote is yours!