Lost

I generally like to spend time alone and be by myself.  My husband likes to remind me of how when we were first living together that I laid down a law that I needed five minutes to myself when I got home from work every night.  I just needed that five minutes to decompress and shed my day.  I prefer quieter activities to loud and crazy ones.  I find big groups of people make me anxious and I almost always wish I were at home, in my comfy clothes, and watching some sort of trashy television.  Part of it is that I am an introvert.  I am shy.  I worry that people will not like me.  I mostly worry that people will not like me because I do believe that I am sort of hard to like.  I can be opinionated.  I can be bossy.  I am a know-it-all.  I own all of these parts of myself but I hate being judged because of them.

Growing up, I never had a lot of friends.  I have always been the type to have one friend and make that one my bestie.  We would do everything together.  Then, my friend would move away.  This happened to me consistently through elementary and junior high school.  In high school, I made a few friends through sports and was subsequently dropped by those friends because I chose to attend a different college than they did.  Nice, huh?  So, as I look back through my life I have really only had a handful of best friends.  True friends.  People who I felt like I could tell anything to and that I would do anything for.  I always felt like those people felt the same way about me.

I have found as an adult that friendships have only become more complicated. People have careers, kids, spouses, etc.  It makes getting together nearly impossible and my few truly good friends have become scattered across the world.  I have to admit that I often find myself lonely.  Superman travels for work every week and I find myself with a lot of alone time in the evenings.  Most of the time this is a nice reprieve from the craziness that is day-to-day life with a toddler.  However, there are some nights that I desperately wish I had a girlfriend I could call to come sit on my couch with me, drink wine and gossip with.

In the last few years, my circle of friends has become even smaller.  I had a friendship that I had fostered since college that slowly slipped from my grasp.  I am still confused by how it happened and what exactly I may have done wrong in the situation.  My friend never said a word to me, but our friendship grew strained and with distance factored in, it was easier to just let things go.  She just slipped away.  There were actually three of us that had been friends since college.  We did most everything together.  The other two girls in the friendship were friends before I came along and I felt mostly lucky to just have been accepted as part of their pair.  We complemented each other well and we had a lot of fun together.  We all had varying interests and did our own things, but we could always come back together and be ourselves.  I treasured that relationship and felt like I did everything I could to keep it strong.  Part of me desperately wants answers.  The other part of me definitely does not want to know what happened.

The part of me that definitely does not want to know what happened is because I have another friendship, a family relationship actually, that has erupted into a firestorm and I have been given "answer" after "answer" and they all hurt.  I have been ripped to shreds and told that I am nothing.  Someone who I loved dearly and never expected to hurt me has hurt me deeply and the relationship is not likely to recover.  How could it, really?  How could I ever want to spend time with people who have decided I am not a good person and that I do not have the best of intentions?  I am still shocked by how this all happened.  It has been months and my brain still cannot reconcile a situation that I walked into with a hopeful heart was used against me as an ambush and a chance to break my heart.  I have tried several times since this initial ambush to put the pieces back together again and have been met with resistance and repeated attacks.  This person is lost to me.

This post may not make any sense to anyone.  For that I am sorry.  I just had to get some of this out.  It has been a rough time for me lately and I have been doing a lot of soul searching.  I apologize for using Wonder Women as a way to work out some of my issues.  Still, I do believe that Wonder Women was started with some of this in mind.  I just miss my people is all.